Oh the Farmer and the Henry Should Be Friends

Okay, peop-holes. Sorry I been long gone for so long.

I feel like I have a lot to catch you up on. The big news is... I've taken a major step in my life. It's a baby-step, but I think it will lead to many great things. I've decided to no longer move about the world via ambulation. My savior, a Dr. Haroldo Itcherberg, has devised a new method, and no it's not a "Segway". Although, I can't technically fly, if you were to take a picture of me 90% of the time, it would still look like I was floating. Yes, the most clever of you have no doubt guessed it - I now travel exclusively by trampoline. It's a little robotic one that moves around directly under me at all times. Her name is Samantha.

Being a rock star does have certain privileges. I'm sure many of wish you had the kind of money and fame to go through life spending much of it up in the air by means of repeated trampoline use. Well, I'm a living role-model to you, I'm sure. I'm proof that getting lots of fortune means you can reach the sky, or the ceiling, or at the very least, many tallish trees (I've never eaten so many coconuts!). For those of you aspiring "tramps" wanting in on the good life, keep dreaming and hoping and then eventually become a rockstar. I'm looking forward to seeing you up in the air!

What's the weather like up here, you ask? Sunny! (with a 20% chance of sleet)

I want everyone to know that my new life-style choice will in no way effect my relationship with the band. Everyone hated me already and will continue to do so. I will still play a musical instrument, and that instrument will still be called "drums" by me (and hopefully everyone else, if they know what's good for them). Our new bandmember A-Train knows how to rock and roll and is quite the Idea Man. He is planning on hooking up a theremin to a trampoline so that I can play it during concerts and in studios. I will simply jump from Samantha to the specially-rigged instrument, and then back again when I am done. You guys know what a theremin is? A person playing a theremin never comes into physical contact with it.



This is great for me because, with the exception of trampolines, I'd like not to come into contact with any physical objects at all. This means no autographs! How many times do I have to say it? And no, "not being able to hear me because I'm 10 feet above you when I say it" is not an excuse!

In other news, I did go to the farmer's convention. A-Train had the novel idea of disguising me as a woman. I still got recognized, but they all thought I was a transvestite and were a lot more polite to me after that. Either that or they were weirded out by me and Samantha. Traveling by trampoline did have its thrills. I killed at hopping over cows and things. I made rodeo clowns jealous. I even up-staged the cows! Many of the kids in the audience told me afterwards that after watching me jump over the cows they no longer liked the cows, and would not ever become farmers. I think I am doing God's work.

One last thing... Marfa: the letter you posted from CeCe "Henry" Kobravski must be a forgery. It's just not possible. I saw her with my own eyes fall over the waterfall into the abyss after our climactic duel. There's no way she could have survived. Could it be? Could it be that my arch-nemesis CeCe "Henry" Kobravski is alive?! She did mention sporks. That is her signature. Could this be a copy-cat CeCe? I will have to increase my vigilance. What CeCe doesn't realize is I have Samantha now. The advantage is mine. I can, like, fling crap at her from above. Ha!