Tour Diary, Day 12: Goin' Bananas!

We've reached the twelfth day of The Boar. I have never been so wild. Yesterday, or maybe three days ago, I was a veritable monkey, climbing every tree in Lummox, Kentucky (and they have like 80 trees in the city park alone). This leg of the tour is particularly boring for me (Kentuckians are nice, but a little inhibited), so I have to spice it up with a little shenaniga. By the way, 'shenaniga' is a word of my own invention. I am pushing the band to let Shenaniga be the title of our next record. The album cover can be a photo of me in one of the trees with a banana in my hand. I've got it all mapped out. Weird Al can do a cover of the title track of the album and call it "Bananiga". In the video he can pretend to be me, climbing trees and acting the proper fool, singing about his love for all things banana. I'd be even willing to "bribe" him into it by giving him one of my collections of solid gold bananas. Have I mentioned this? I have over 109 collections of 'Auric Plantains', as they are called by aficionados. A collection, or "bunch" as it is called, is any grouping of at least two A.P's. So by collection standards, I have over 218 separate individual fruits. Why do I collect, or "bunch" as it is called? It's just one of those things that crazy rich rock stars do.

What else has happened? Oh, Marfa threatened to quit the band and form a new one. She said her new band will be called "Marfa and the Ghost Lights". I said, "That's the silliest name of a band I ever heard. It's so fantastical! No one would buy it." But after introducing me to the Internet (another thing I never thought could possibly be true), she showed me that it was actually based on a real thing. Well, I'll be. Will wonders never cease? Anyway, we bought her dinner like fifteen times and finally she agreed to stay with the band.

Here are some things I've learned so far on the Tour:

Kentuckian police are remarkably easygoing about wild, partying rock stars climbing up all their trees, chucking 14-carat bananas around, and singing Weird Al's "Eat It" at the tops of their lungs.

Brennan revealed himself to be the Sasquatch. I figured it out long ago, but I guess it took a while for the press to catch wind.

Baltimore was cancelled due to "inclement weather", whatever that is.

Marfa is now 1/4th Cherokee after some crazy genetic surgeries. Good for her.

Potatoes Au Gratin are remarkably easy to eat. I have never once had to employ a knife.

Our manager Ogre-Man is hands-down the best poker play of us all. I don't really know how to play. I keep bringing my racquet to each game and I just don't see how it can help me.

Ogre-Man is an anagram for Manoger, which sounds a heck of a lot like Manager. That is just trippy.

"Baltimore" was cancelled due to inclement weather, whatever that is.

Do not spit at lions. They will get angry and alert zoo officials.

Detroit still knows how to rock. It must be all that 'transportation industry' in the air.

The weeds in the field out back behind the hotel are not good at curing hang-overs.

That's all the news that's "Worthy"!