The Top 10 Things to Bring on a Tour

Any self-respecting rock-and-roll band has to take something on the road with them. I mean, they can't just go naked as the day they were born, can they? These are the top 10 items I personally just can't leave home without. And nakedness just isn't one of them!

10) Sunscreen. God Himself has hired a Hit-man in the guise of the Sun, and he is out to get you. Whether you're in Tuscany, Berlin or Hayes County, Michigan - you can't escape the literal death rays that shoot out like literal lasers at your fragile, and quite literal, skin. Mick Jagger wears at all times a suit made entirely of sunscreen, and I believe Shania Twain has hired a woman to apply it to her skin in perpetuity, even while sleeping. Because the Sun never Sits. Except when sunscreen rocks its socks off. It's what makes rock n' roll music possible, in my humble opinion. Many of us who go touring call sunscreen "the Shieldmaiden of Rock". Why? Because we're poets.

9) Elvis encased in a block of ice. Most people know he disappeared, but what they don't realize is he disappeared into a block of ice, where he remains ever-frozen. In the right light, you can make out the glean of a rhinestone through the glacial surface. It's transcendent to see, and I never leave the King behind on my excursions.

8) My trifocals. This is how I can see into three-dimensions. I have powers of sight AND sound - the latter has something to do with my ears, but the former is all due to my trusty trifocals. Did I mention I can see ghosts with them? Yes, and "other spirits that make me a better musician". That, by the way, was a quote by none other than Theodore Geisel, known the world over as Dr. Seuss.

7) Brennan's zeppelin fleet. This squadron of attack blimps is excellent to have around. I have needed back-up when cornered by street punks on too many occasions to count. I just blow the ancient rune-etched horn and in two days, Brennan's fleet of gas-filled airships descends to wreak havoc on any and all enemies (provided they are wearing red - but since I have two days to influence my enemies' fashion, it's no problem). Also, the zeppelins, or "gas-bags" as Brennan affectionately calls them, have excellent chefs and know how to cook rhubarb in myriad ways. I'm telling you, if they were on Iron Chef and the challenge was "rhubarb", they'd win, hands down. Mr. Kenji Fukui, I hope you're reading this.

6) 100 keys to 99 doors. This is so much fun. The 100 identical unmarked keys are all matched to doors, but there are only 99 doors in total. So one of the keys will not actually work. The idea is to try each key, but you never know whether you are using the 100th non-functioning one! This amuses everyone for hours, even our roadies who are in constant need of a "fix" for fun. Piece of band trivia: Marfa is related to the inventor of this activity. I think it's her cousin.

5) The video game. This is the one and only video game ever made. It's diverting, but a bit of a challenge. I don't know what the little moving things do. And I don't know if I'm supposed to do anything with the thingies. But I do like how it makes the TV shows go away on the TV.

4) A beautiful exotic Bengal Tiger named Szasha. She is such a beautiful creature. Adjectives to describe her: Magnificent, Triumphant, Nature's Way of Saying Thank You To Humans, Stunningly Terrific, Transcendent, The Wildness I Never Knew Could Be So Untamed, Noble, and Divine.

3) I couldn't think of a number 3 - isn't that funny? Sometimes the inability to think of something paired with the ability to laugh at one's faults are handy things to have while on tour. Or at least, I would say that if I'd thought of it. Unfortunately, I didn't. This whole section was plagiarized from a 1989 speech by Ronald Reagan to the Voter's Defense League. But I thought since he said it so well, I'd include it here. Thanks, Ron!

2) A way out of any conversation. I can't say what it is because I consider it a trade secret, but I will divulge this much: If you say the phrase, "Oh Lordy wants a sandwich", you will notice that the person you are talking to is slightly less interested than before. Go with that, experiment, and you may well stumble on a tried-and-true escape route - the Skeleton Key to All Exit Doors, my mother called it. This is a crucial item to possess when meeting all the fans. Just kidding! Ya'll are the Best in the World..

And finally the # 1 item I can't leave on a Tour without:

1) Food.